Where the NHS is going: they’ll give you a diagnosis – but no treatment

Yesterday I followed the advice of my local hospital’s Audiology Department (they fix hearing aid problems) and tried to book an appointment at the GP surgery to get my ears syringed. I wear two hearing aids. This increases the likelihood of a build-up of wax in the ears.  Recently, this has made it difficult for me to use the phone and by yesterday it was impossible for me to understand the recorded voice on my local surgery’s answering system  telling me to press this, that or some other key for this, that or some other service that I also, unfortunately, wouldn’t be able to decipher. But no problem: I went into the medical centre to make an appointment. They found me a slot in three weeks’ time. But the receptionist said it will be “for assessment only”. She repeated this as she booked the appointment — “it’s for assessment only, you understand, not treatment. We’ll be able to tell you where you can get treatment if it’s necessary.” In other words, at most surgeries, ear syringing is no longer available on the NHS.

I knew this already as it happens. Audiology had told me it would cost between £50 and £70. So I suppose I’ll get to choose which private outfit I fancy to do it. I suddenly had this memory of a friend of mine in the 1980s who did a pretty good impersonation of Margaret Thatcher haughtily explaining her vision for us all in the new world she was creating: “Choice — choice — we must have choice!”

So I’ve got an appointment in three weeks. Audiology said there might be an infection developing in one ear. If they do find one, I have to assume they’ll still be treating infections on the NHS then, although three weeks is a long time in politics, as the Labour prime minister Harold Wilson once told us (he didn’t actually — he said one week). Whether I’ll submit to private syringing is another matter. Perhaps it’ll be done in the little corner shop down the road that used to be a newsagent’s. Thatcher again: “We want to encourage small businesses.” It probably won’t be done there though. It’s more likely to be done by some big outfit, like a bank. Or Marks & Spencer’s. “Can I have Tesco’s Finest?”, I’ll ask.